There is so much going on. So many things out of my control. So many things that I have to get done. So many feelings exposed I am just raw. Stressed. Itchy. Burning.
My body does this thing. When I get stressed or anxious, I break out in hives. Just a spot or two. At this moment, I am slathered in so many over the counter medicines. I have progressed past hives, we are in full blown shingles. I had the chicken pox when I was like five. If they itched half as bad as I do now, I'm amazed I only ended up with one scar. I am in misery and can't be seen at the clinic until Thursday!
All the itching aside, I am having one of those days.
One where I miss him with every breath.
My heart hurts.
My brain can't process it.
The why's and what ifs have invaded. Why me? Why him? Why that weekend?
What if we had known? What if I had been a better advocate? What if that helicopter had come?
Dangerous questions. Painful thoughts. Ideas that distract me from God's grace.
I know it is ok for me to question. If I didn't question I would probably doubt my faith more. I wouldn't feel it down to the core of my being.
I can question while resting at his feet. I can cry while bowing at the cross. I can crumple because his arms will pick me up.
Cause me to hear Your loving-kindness in the morning, for on You do I lean and in You do I trust. Cause me to know the way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my inner self to You. Psalm 143: 8
This path is not one I would have ever chosen. I am doing everything I can to make it count though. Last Sunday Ben talked about how God doesn't necessarily chose those who are best for the job. He chooses those who will do the best job. I'm not this perfect person. Maybe, I'm the only person who could be Aidan's mom and do it in his glory,though. It is through my imperfection that I can share God's perfection.
I say Aidan's name everyday. In doing this, I also talk about God everyday.
I lean on God every moment, My faith just might strengthen someone else's.
I miss Aidan with every fiber of my being. By being open and honest we may just save another baby.
This Saturday is a BIG day. March for Babies. Aidan's name on shirts. Aidan's story on a mission sign. Families united by trees and their children they represent.
I want it to be perfect. I want it to have an effect. I need it to be something that opens eyes and changes the stigma.
There are not very many days that I get, where I get to be proud of Aidan. This is one of them. This is my version of a birthday party or his baptism. This is a moment I get to share with others and smile because he matters. Thank you to all who are going to literally walk it step by step with me.
It's not just a 5k or a walk. It is a party for all the babies. Especially my baby.