Monday, December 12, 2011

A Day

Francesca over here is a fellow babyloss mom. She is a major inspiration and has made an amazing legacy for her sweet Jenna.

Today she wrote this. It stopped me cold. It made me wonder what my day would look like.

If I were granted one day with Aidan knowing he would return to heaven, what would we do?

How old would he be?

Immediately I thought of the big days. His graduations, wedding, the birth of his children. I really like the idea of seeing him get married. I smile wondering what type of girl he would choose. I see us remembering all of the days before. Is it cheating to have that flashback sequence included? Even if I didn't get to live out those days with him could there be memories?

Or, perhaps I want to experience a day with him at the age of Carter and Peyton. Those boys are at that perfect age. So much fun, so much innocence, so much love. I wonder what Aidan's little personality would be. What buttons of mine he would push. Would he cry for Nana when he didn't get to ride in her car? Would he call me Momma or Mommy?

And the tears have started. There are so many days I wish I could spend with Aidan. So many memories we never got to make. So many things I am going to sit on the sideline for and always dream about what might have been.

But, there is one day I really wish I could have with him. That first day. That very first day of holding, learning, cuddling, kissing and loving. I want that day back. Only I want it to be January 14th and our room is full of happy tears. Not sorrow. Our room is a revolving door of friends and family so excited to meet him. Not timidly watching me labor and then holding (or not holding him) because it was all we got. I want the nurses to hand him to us and say "Congrats." I want to hear him cry. Oh what wouldn't I give to hear that beautiful sound. I don't care how long I would have had to labor. I don't care if I had to have a c section. I would wear that scar with pride. Because he is worth every single bit of it. I want Evan to look at me and smile. I want him to look at Aidan and see such joy in our future. I want my baby boy to open those beautiful eyes and instantly know who I am.

But, I can't. I won't get any of these with Aidan. And that is an awful reality. One I am learning to live with. Not one I will ever get over.

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