Thursday, November 17, 2011

What do I know?

Usually when I am called to write I start with a blank page and just empty my brain. No order, no reasoning. It's just something that has to come out. Tonight is different. Tonight the title came and I had no idea what God was trying to get me to write about. Until I was driving home.

I made You promises a thousand times
(Bargain. I would bargain with God for the good things. I thought if I made promises he would bless me.)
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
(This is a huge fault of mine. I talk all the time. Too much. I have to speak it outloud to understand the impact.)
I think I made You too small
(In trying to have a relationship with God I tried to make him my equal.)
I never feared You at all No
(I had no reason to fear. I was blessed.)
If You touched my face would I know You?
(How many times was it God and I didn't realize? How many times did I miss him?)
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(How many people did God send my way that I overlooked?)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(I thought I had it all figured out.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(How many opportunties have I missed because of fear?)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Do you burn hot with love? Anger? Jealousy?)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(If we are made in your image, how can any of us not be?)
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(Everyday I am learning more I think.)
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
(Yes. I thought I had it all figured out.)
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
(I thought you would save me from heartache. I thought you would save me from myself. I never dreamed you would save me when I lost my son. You saved me because he couldn't be.)
Those were only empty words on a page
(It's easy to memorize and quote passages. It's much harder to live those words.)
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
(I looked at Aidan and knew he was a part of you.)
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(Not having my son with me has rocked my world. It has shaken me to the core. I fell but not on my face. To my knees.)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(Everyday I am trying to soak you in. Giving it all to you.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(You lead me into unknown circumstances, but you are by my side.)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Instead of anger is it passion?)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(Yes. You are. You gave me a glimpse in Aidan.)
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(I know the presence. I know the power. And that isn't even the beginning of it.)
What do I know of Holy?
(Opening my heart, yearning to know more.)
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
(You take them and you feel the pain. You want me to heal.)
And a God who gave life "its" name?
(You intrusted me with Aidan. You still do.)
What do I know of Holy?
(It's peace. It's grace.)
Of the One who the angels praise?
(You are holding my son until I can again. You have him.)
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
((Who better to trust Aidan with?)
What do I know of this love?
(I know what I feel for Aidan. He feels that times 1,000 for me. He doesn't want me to hurt.)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
(You knew my son before I did. You love him like I do.)
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
(Bravely I take a step forward each day. A step into the unknown.)
Are You fire? Are You fury?
(Your passion is mine.)
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
(Sacred. Beautiful.)
What do I know?
(Very little.)
What do I know of Holy?
(Trust)
What do I know of Holy?
(Love)
What do I know of Holy?
(Faith in you. In myself.)

Driving down the road. Ipod on shuffle. A song comes on and through the darkness God speaks. Thankfully, I have started listening. Finally. I am searching for him all the time. And always he catches me off guard. Tonight he spoke through lyrics. I have no idea why this song is on my playlist. I'm not sure I have ever heard it before. But, there it was. There he was. Aidan has done so much to my relationship with God. He has been the biggest test. Yet, he has drawn me the closest.

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